****** WARNING! THIS IS INTENDED FOR READERS OVER AGE 18. IF YOU ARE A CHILD. DO NOT READ.
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. In honor of that, and in memory of the 4 precious babies we have in heaven .........
This post has been brewing for years, really, but more specifically since last Thanksgiving. I attended a grief share group 3 or 4 times and was truly blessed to be in the company of other parents who had had to say goodbye to their own children. Most of them were grandparent aged and had buried grown children. One couple had buried an infant years ago as I had just done. I was amazed at the similarity (and differences too) that we shared. I did not go back because I felt one striking difference from these people. I was not "angry" at God. I had dealt with those emotions over other situations and had come to peace about it already. Anyway, what I
did find was compassion and acceptance with people who understood that it was OK to grieve and be sad and still find my solace in My Savior at the same time. One of their recommendations was that I write a letter to friends and family expressing how I now felt about life. You see, I have changed. Dramatically. I will never again be that person I once was.
I did not write that letter. I did not want it to come from a place of hurt. By Thanksgiving, my heart had been nearly mortally wounded by an avalanche (it seemed. time has given perspective.) of hurtful words and comments. I wanted to say what I needed to say without being "ugly".
Over the past year, one month, 3 weeks, 6 days, I have read similar posts in different forms on the "BLM blog circuit". BLM stands for Baby Loss Mom. I do not consider myself a BLM. I have not "lost" my children. I know exactly where they are! :) To me, "lost" implies that I might just "find" them one day. It is much less P.C. but I consider myself a "dead baby" mom. I have 4 children that died. Death does not scare me or bother me. It is a part of my daily life. In death, my children were freed to the arms of their Maker and I know that I will one day be reunited with them. To me, there is great peace in knowing that.
Make no mistake, I would have loved to have had them here in my arms. But since I do not, I continue to lean on Him and find peace AND JOY where He gives it. I still have sad days. Sad, by this definition, does not exist in the English language by the way. You may read that word as "devastated beyond comprehension" if you'd like to get an inkling of what I mean by it.
Having said all of that, let me get to "the letter". I have borrowed a form that I frequently see on "the circuit". It is a list of what to say and do when someone's baby dies. Everyone feels and needs differently so please understand that when -not if- you encounter the next mother like me, be sensitive to their specific situation, circumstance, and life. Some need VERY different things. Grief is very personal and unique.
In case you are curious, yes. I have a blog on "the circuit". I am a member of the "dead baby club". Yes it really is called that and yes, I really am. We have our own website. My blog is anonymous because I was so deeply hurt by insensitive comments that I felt a need to run in secret to a place where I could be understood and encouraged and accepted. And yes, I am still deeply hurting and sad and in great need of understanding and compassion but the Lord has done a great work in my heart this last year and I now feel a need to reach out. I also want to publicly thank the few who have compassionately stood by my side, unjudging, with love and prayer.
By the way, it's ok to not know what to say. A simple, "I'm so sorry!" will suffice in every situation.A hug, for most people, is even better! :)
So, :) without further ado:
My List of Suggestions:
1- Go to the funeral...... and if you can, bring flowers even if it's just the weeds from your yard :) or a card with a personal note, or something, anything, to let the mom, dad, and siblings know that the baby is a treasured life and you acknowledge that he/she is now and forever will be missing from the family picture. It doesn't need to cost money just be heartfelt. I am forever grateful for the flowers-brought and sent. Sweet Pea's grave would have been very bare indeed with just the pitiful 4 roses that we had to leave on her grave and the handmade cards brought to our living children have been treasured and cherished and carefully placed in Sweet Pea's memory box.
2-Food....... They'll need it but not be able to put coherent thoughts together enough to make it. I am forever indebted to the 2 women that brought dinner to me the day after we came home from the hospital. I froze one meal for the night of the funeral. I have no idea what we ate other than that except that we stopped at Taco Bell on the way home from the hospital. I remember laying on the table having no shoes on. I had rushed to the hospital without anything to come home in. I had no toothbrush, hairbrush,socks...... Rex remembered to bring me pants. I don't think I actually ate for days. Those 2 ladies thought
for me. It was a gift. They included special treats for the big kids too because I was in NO frame of mind to care for them.... juice boxes, boxes of raisins, lunch box items, fun stuff that made them feel remembered. All mommy could do was hold and hug and cry with them when they cried. We also had 2 other ladies bring a bag of lunch stuff.... chicken salad, loaf of bread, bag of chips, Oreo's. :) and paper plates, cups, napkins, plastic ware. They knew I could not handle dishes. I also had a very special friend bring me a bag full of organic chocolate and Bible verses. Bless her. So, don't forget the practical things and remember that a newly grieving mind HAS NO CLUE what they need! Think for them if you can (though some can think for themselves, I hear more often that, like me, they can't)..... do the dishes while you are there or bring disposable stuff. When this food ran out, all we could do was stock the freezer with frozen lasagna because one foot was barely going in front of the other from August until about June. It was nearly a year before I was coherent enough to actually cook on a regular basis. (Please do not read this as I wish people had brought me meals that long. That is ridiculous! I'm just being real here. We really did live on premade frozen stuff that long. We were staying sick and so I tried to start cooking again in March but have only just now really gotten on my feet well.)
3- Being social...... Understand that even the most outgoing and social ones of us might not be able to hack it. Even with friends that we "can be ourselves" with. BUT, don't stop asking!:) One of the people who I have leaned on the most this past year is a precious and dear family that continued to ask us to come over or tried to take us out to dinner. Sometimes we said yes, sometimes we said no..... sometimes we said yes and got there and I had to disappear into the bathroom and cry only to emerge and say. "I can't do this tonight." I turned down more social events during the past year than I have in my entire life put together! Sometimes a trip to Arby's?!?!!? would leave me in tears in the car. Going to church required water proof mascara until recently. Still does sometimes. BUT I appreciated EVERY hug, EVERY thought, EVERY attempt to communicate "hey, I'm here for you." You see, there are reminders every where of what is missing from my family. I'm not angry at every one else that has a precious little one year old, it just sometimes catches my heart. There were and are a lot of "this time last year" thoughts and "i had planned on doing this when she was......". I spent a lot of time crying in public bathrooms at baby showers, churches, required functions, and restaurants. Be tender and aware please.
4-Holidays/Milestones are hard........ Please, if this family crosses your mind. TELL THEM! It may bring tears to their eyes. But that's only because the tears were right there anyhow. We do not "forget" and you are not "reminding" us of something sad that they have "moved on" from. We learn to live in spite of..... find new reasons to be joyful.... figure out how to continue to "get out of bed and breathe in and out," to borrow a line from "Sleepless in Seattle". The 11th of EVERY month is noticed by me. Seeing "Baby's First Christmas" whatever in the stores last year was brutal. Having to make a flower arrangement for her grave instead of picking out her first Christmas dress nearly made me stop breathing. My birthday was particularly devastating. I had planned to take both girls to get their
ears pierced together. That day was unexplainable in the pain department. I could go on. If you want to know, ask. I will tell you. Please, note certain days and holidays and know that they are nearly unsurvivable without prayer and love.
5- Cleaning up and cleaning out......... Some women find they need someone to help clean their house. Truthfully, I probably did! lol But I was too embarrassed to let anyone see our mess! Packing and unpacking that many times on top of everything else created a certifiable National Disaster area. What I did need, was the tender assistance of a dear friend to help me face, sift through, and deal with all of Sweet Pea's things. We had a nursery full. She stayed with me an entire day and helped me sort and save or donate everything until the room was empty! It was a task I dreaded facing and she held my hand.
6-Please do not say that you "didn't realize I was THAT effected." That is incredibly insulting. Please, for a moment, go with me into that delivery room. Feel the excitement as I anxiously anticipate that final push to meet the child I have so planned for. Whose room is prepared (even though all but immediate needs were in boxes). Whose name is chosen and whose face I'm waiting to see for the first time. Feel my anguish as I look down and see my child. She looks like a mini-Glitter. She has perfect ears and nose and fingers and toes. Her hand is delicately curled under her chin. Her feet are crossed in such a lady like way. Her other hand is all twisted up in a way that seems vaguely familiar but I can't identify it until later that night when I myself go to sleep and twist my own hand up in the same way. Now, you tell me, are YOU effected? Yes, I smile when I'm with you because I don't know if you want to deal with my pain. Do not mistake that for me not
being in pain.
7-Please, I know you mean well, but DON"T say, "At least you have your other kids." Um, yeah. I do. I'm grateful beyond measure and have a new appreciate for their value and love for their presence. BUT, let's see, if I sever your left leg, how would you feel about your right one? Grateful? Yes! But you would also miss and have to learn to live without your left one still. You have a small inkling of what I'm feeling. Children are NOT replaceable. They are not interchangeable. They are all unique and precious and, in our house, wanted, loved, and valued. One does not, cannot, will not ever take the place of another.
8-Also, understand that just because I am a Christian does not mean I don't feel that crushing weight of death and it's after effects. Yes! Hallelujah, I have assurance that God Almighty is holding my babies for me and that I will one day see them again! Yes! That is a comfort to me. It does not, however, mean that I don't walk through the "valley of the shadow of death"! I know that place. He was there with me. He held my hand. I was never in fear. Or, for that matter, never in fear that I would not emerge victorious either!!!! There were many people that were absolutely terrified to let me talk for fear that I might "get angry at God" or whatever. A) He's big enough that He can handle my anger if that is what happens. He's also big enough to see me through to the other side. B) I didn't and wasn't and quite frankly I felt very sensored. I felt as if some did not have a very good idea or respect for the depth of my relationship with Him. There was an honesty to what I was experiencing that I needed to go through and, please people, if you can't handle the truth.... that is NOT an excuse to shut up a grieving person. Don't open the door for them to talk if you are not ready to listen without judgement. You have the right to feel differently. I respect you, please respect me.
9-If you think it is our fault, do not feel the need to tell us that. I had (and continue to have) more than one person insinuate that it was our fault because we didn't do what they would have done. A) This is NOT true. We could not have prevented this. B) How can you even say that to me before my child is even buried???????????????????? But, because it seems to be a common misconception, I will explain it here. Sweet Pea died because she had a true umbilical cord knot. Ultrasounds rarely find them. Her's was in a place where it would not have been seen. Knots are found by techs. that are highly trained and looking SPECIFICALLY for them. I, despite having 3 miscarriages, was considered very low risk and the perfect candidate for a home delivery with a trained certified nurse midwife. The NMW that we chose has over 35 years of experience. Her "success" rate was and is higher than the hospital I ended up at. I believe that she has only "lost" one baby. An OB would not have done ONE THING DIFFERENTLY than she did. We agreed to go directly to the hospital if I went into labor early and we did just that. I DO NOT regret my choices. Knots are unpredictable and unpreventable. All 4 of my children that have died, died for unlated and unforeseeable causes. I do not think that a death from food poisoning could be either foreseen or prevented. Our best guess for one of the others was that it was caused by the birth control pills I was on and so, well, I do not take them anymore. The third miscarriage we knew something was wrong from the get go and she died before we could figure out what was wrong. If you care to go into greater detail with me about this, I am happy to answer questions. Information and respectful questions are never insulting. Only careless accusations and insinuations are.
10- This did not happen because I am a bad mother. Yes, this was said to me. It was one of the more crushing things said to me. Even if you think this, do not say it. If you are in earnest about this and you feel you really do need to discuss the feeling that I am unfit, please, choose your words carefully and have some facts to back it up. Do not accuse me of being a bad mom just because I have made different choices than you. You have NOT walked in my shoes. Your timing was absolutely appalling and has taken me an entire year to work through. You should have waited until I was on my feet.
11-Do not devalue the life of my child by arguing with me that I have no right to count these dead babies as my children. Yes, I had people do this too. This was the single most crushing thing said to me. I realize that miscarriage and infant death effects people differently.
I respect that whole heartedly. HOWEVER, I expect you respect my feelings too. Especially since you've never gone through it and all of your children are snuggled cutely in your arms. I cried nearly all the way home. You know who you are and you know how long that drive was so you should understand how long I cried. Your timing as well was appalling. Your arguments were insulting. I needed your compassion and understanding and support that day. It was a brutally hard day that I wasn't ready for yet but came because I loved and missed you. Enough said except that I want you all to know that I pray fervently that you will NEVER be in my shoes to understand
WHY this conversation was so crushing to my heart.
12-DO NOT judge how we treated this grief process. I was again insulted by someone who carelessly attempted to charge that I shouldn't have told my living children about Sweet Pea's death. They were under the assumption that it was a miscarriage and that , as such, I shouldn't have informed them. You were wrong on all accounts. She was as full term (minus a few days) as Electron. NOT a miscarriage. The children were told when I began to show, same as most people do, I believe? They were thrilled and excited and loved buying clothes and toys and needed items for her the entire pregnancy. They watched the "watermelon" as we called it grow and grow. They thought it was amazing to feel their sister move. They were (and are) big kids and I can't lie or pull the wool over their eyes. Nor would I want to. They knew I went to the hospital to get their sister (2 of them were old enough at the time to know how that entire process worked.) I do think they noticed WITHOUT me saying something that mommy came home with a roll of film and footprints instead of a baby. They stood next to me at her funeral. They have had questions. They cry for her and miss her too. I respect you if you choose differently HOWEVER I want you to know that I spend a great deal of time praying that you will NEVER have to understand why this conversation hurt me.
13-Now, to finish on a "happy" note! I want to thank all of the ones who did such special things for us that made this year survivable. I found myself physically in need of serious healing. As with most moms who've just given birth, I needed rest. Because we were thrown into househunting (literally that week and actually in our funeral clothes!), I did not get to stay in bed as most new moms do. I was also not nursing and my body did not respond as it should have. The hospital released me about 3 hours after her birth and I was not given proper postpartum care (the reason I don't like hospitals.). Throughout the year, my dear children and husband have been gracious to me when I have needed to sit, take it slow, was in so much pain I actually couldn't walk some days. Thankyou. I enjoyed doing school with my kids all nestled up in my bed. I loved our sunday afternoon family movie marathons. And Honey, though we've eaten enough frozen pizza and lasagna for a lifetime, thanks for not expecting me to househunt and do school and pack/unpack, do laundry,dishes....yada, yada, yada AND cook!
14-To the friend that took Glitter home after the funeral. Thank you. She needed so much girl time. She misses the sister she almost had terribly. This (still) is always welcome. Most families that go through this need friends/family to step in and give mom a chance to heal by releasing her from "being mom". My mom was here for the funeral and she got violently sick. I was caring for her, all of my children, and had just given birth to a dead baby and looking for a house! Glitter's time away that day was golden!
15-Mom, thanks. Even though you got sick that week, you helped me do laundry, dishes, pack, love on the kids. You have been a rock this year. You've remembered milestones with me, you've cried and grieved and shared with me. You've borne the burden of grief with me and without you I don't know that I could've made it. You've understood and felt with me. My best friend- You know who you are. You've been a rock too. You've listened without judgement, you've understood when people hurt me. You've stood with me in prayer. The 2 of you are a post unto yourselves!!! xoxoxoxoxox There are no words. I could not have made it through this year as successfully as I have without both of you being who you are and I love you both beyond measure.
16-To the people who understood that watching the precious births of other babies was bittersweet and took the time to tell me your heart, thank you. I am so exceedingly grateful for every healthy birth. But also, in the face of every new born, I also see my own precious one whose pictures I hide from the eyes of others. Only I know the curve of her lips, the arch of her nose, the shape of her ears. She was perfect in every way,etched into my mind forever. I miss her. Thank you for realizing that. Also, to the one who sent me the sweet email for my birthday just expressing the thought that you knew I missed her that day, thank you.
17-To the precious cousin that sent me an email saying that you "already loved her." That may have been a statement of fact to you but to me, it set my heart on fire!!!!! To KNOW that someone besides me carried love for THIS child was a gift as golden as the sun. I frequently feel as if I alone carry her memory. To know that it is shared by others is just overwhelming.
Finally, I would like to say there have been many, many people who're waiting for me to "get over it and move on". I hope you now understand, this does not happen. I have learned to live again because God Himself has ordained me for this life for this moment and I seek always to walk in His will. He has given me the grace to wake up each day, even on the days when I didn't want to. Yes, I have had those days. This post does not even come close to the range of emotions I've felt. It also in no way can ever list the precious friends who've stood with me and cried and held me when I've felt that my world was crashing down all around me. For them, I thank God. Also, for my friends on "the blog circuit", they have been there too and have shared their grief with me and shouldered my grief as well. They were and always will be a gift from God at a time when I needed them. I will always be out there.... surfing the circuit in search of those who are bleeding and crying and alone. I am there. He is there. We are not alone.
If you've actually made it to the end of this post, thank you for caring enough.
This is a tradition on "the circuit". Names are all we have left. We take pictures of the names of each other's children when we go places or spelled out in snow, in chalk, with skittles..... whatever. Theses are the ones I did for myself. The chicken and the egg was done by a fellow DB mom.
Her name IS Kelsey Peace. She IS a blessing in my life. I will not forget her. Thankyou for praying for me this year. Thankyou for your continued prayers as I face another year of life without her in my arms.
