Birthday Girl

Kelsey Peace, August 11, 2009- 3 years old

Our Sweet Pea turned 3 years old yesterday. It seems like only yesterday she was born and then again, it seems as if she has always been a part of my heart. Funny, at first my (our?) grief was so new and fresh that it hurt like an open oozing wound. Now it seems to be more of a constant dull pain that is always there, never going away for even a second, but it has become such a part of me that it would be wrong for it to be gone.

Truly I think now it is more the pain of loving her and not being able to hold her and "check in" with her..... yet. Yesterday I found myself just wishing I could pick up the phone and talk to her for just a sentence or two, "Hey, it's Mom. Just wanted to say I love you and I can't wait to see you again."

I suppose living in the age of microwaves and emails and cell phones does weird things to your heart. Anyhow, I (Melissa) went to the cemetery yesterday and this time I went alone. It effected (affected? not that far in our grammar curriculum yet, sorry) me in a whole new way. It was strange but it was instinct to be visiting a 3 yr old and not the newborn that we had taken out there. This was a definite first for me.

One of the hardest things for me has been to cope with not being there while she grows up- to miss her milestones. Maybe yesterday was just God's special gift to my heart.

There were several new babies since I was there last.... that always rips my heart out. By the same token, when there are no new graves or only one or two, it makes me smile and rejoice. Something new that really made me smile was that about 6 months ago the funeral home that handles the babies began to put the baby's picture on the temporary marker! I LOVED seeing the sweet faces of those precious ones. And yes, if I'd had the option, I would've said,"YES!".

Anyhow, this is the way "Baby Land", as it is called, looked yesterday. It is so sad to see all the graves that don't have flowers or even permanent markers. Breaks my heart, the circumstances that cause that are even more heart breaking usually.

Yes, every single one of these is  a dead baby. Many parents leave toys, notes from grandparents, precious things that give you insight into the family that loves the little ones buried here.